Topic #10. "But what about the children?"
(Showing 1-11 of 11)

1. "But what about the children?"
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 7:53 PM/EST
bmr

This was the question posed to me by my parents when they discovered the man I was dating and eventually wanted to marry was not white. My husband is actually biracial (half white, half black), and we do not have children yet. I thought it was so strange that my parents would be so concerned with the issue of our children making it through life when all they had to do was look at my husband and see how he turned out just fine. He is a wonderfully adjusted, caring, thoughtful, extremely intelligent, and decent human being. He is completely comfortable in his own skin, and he gives off a real sense of confidence in who he is that people respond to. People respect and interact with him only as an individual, and I have seen this demonstrated over and over again for the 6 years that I have known him. I really hope that we can pass that legacy on to our own children, who hopefully will also build an identity based on our love. I would welcome any responses, and also any advice anyone would have for me in raising interracial children.

2. Sounds familiar
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 8:39 PM/EST
joyw

That was the first thing my mother asked, too. I think that being a parent is tough no matter what, but the issue of race complicates things. As a parent, I want to spare my children any pain that I can. When I decided to marry my husband, I decided that I wouldn't let other people's opinions rule my life. But then I had a child, and he didn't make the decision to brave the general disapproval of society--I thrust that on him. I struggle constantly with how to protect him and yet equip him with the tools he needs to cope.

On the upside, he's a lot more resiliant than his father or I. Whereas we dwell on slights (real or perceived) he wallows for a short time and then moves on. In that sense, he's a good role model for us, I guess.

A caveat--just as in other situations, children should not be used to try to prop up a relationship that is struggling. While I've heard stories of families where the grandparents were won over after the birth of the grandchild, I've heard just as many where the grandparents will have absolutely nothing to do with the grandchildren. Children add stress to a family--even the best kids in the best families. But, man, I think they are worth it--mine are, at least.

Joy

3. The Best
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 9:37 PM/EST
dip

I probably first considered this dilemma while in college, prior to dating anyone of a different race. In thinking about how it would be to be biracial (black/white), I figured that it would be the best of both worlds. A biracial persons history would encompass virtually everything that has occured in this country.

As the father of biracial children (sges 6 & 4), they do have they best of everything. They don't have to believe steretypes because they see them disspelled on a daily basis. They won't believe that black men are lazy (except pro athletes)for they will have seen their father, grandfather, uuncles, and cousins work hard at school, profession, and family. They won't believe that most whites dislike blacks, for they know that their Uncle David gives them a dollar everytime he sees them and that they and I are as welcome in my wife's family as everyone else. They will not be restricted by skin color or race b/c they're biracial. Phrases like " white boys don't play basketball or black girls don't enter beauty pageants" won't be of any consequence to my children. Those types of things should never enter into the mind of a child regardless of race, but in reality, they do. By being able to include themselves in either category, biracial children should know no limits. Our children spend ample amounts of time loving both their white and black families along with their Phillipino aunt and cousins. We consciously expose them to people who are different. From volunteering at special olympics to working at a homeless shelter during the holidays.

We don't label our children by race, they are human. At some point later, (pretty soon for our daughter),we plan to explain to her that come people may treat her differently b/c of her skin color. That they may assume that she is black. We'll also inform her of the positive & negative stereotypes that may accompany that label. We plan on encouraging her to remember and acknowledge all of her heritage and be proud.

4. The Children
Tue, Sep 14, 1999 - 11:19 PM/EST
shel

Speaking from experience with three bi/racial children ages 10,7,2.5, the older girls don't seem to care about skin color. My girls attend

a all white school were they are the only black children. Believe it or not my oldest daughter has more problems in school with friends because of the restriction we place on her and her christian life style. My middle daughter heck people know her we don't even know. We could be at the store and someone will walk up to me and

say hey are you Alyx's mom. That just the kind of

personality they have.

Michele

5. All children need...
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 1:02 AM/EST
dman

Is stability, caring parents, and nurturing. I have worked with children for the last 10 years. If their parents are loving and attentive they turn out just fine. You can't protect them from all the hurts they are likely to encounter as they grow up. By raising them in a nurturing environment, you provide them with the sense of security they will need to work through adversity. It doesn't matter what color their parents are. All children have the same needs. It's our job to see that they're met.

6. "But what about the bigots?"
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 8:51 PM/EST
jeanne

Let me first say that I have absolutely no personal experience in this area - I'm not a child of an interracial relationship, nor do I have interracial children - so, I’m ready to be educated! :-)

My experience has been that whenever people are opposed to interracial relationships, they pull out the "trump card." With great concern, they say, "Oh, but what about the children? They will be the ones to suffer." But, when you take the children out of the equation, those same people STILL object, which makes me think their concern is completely bogus. It's a last-ditch effort to keep interracial relationships taboo.

Even if a person really IS solely concerned about the adverse effects on children of interracial relationships, I still don't understand the logic of that argument. I mean, when I hear someone say, "The children will suffer," I figure their suffering will come at the hands of bigoted people. I think it's much more likely that these children will suffer because of people opposed to interracial relationships than people who aren't consumed with race.

I don't believe there is anything inherent in an interracial child that makes him/her suffer. It is the society around him/her that causes the suffering. So it seems pretty flawed to say the solution is to prevent interracial relationships (which produce children). It makes more sense to say the solution is to educate society. Eliminate the perpetrator of bigotry, not the victim!

Am I completely naive about this or what? As I said, I don't have interracial children and I'm not biracial myself, so I don't feel completely comfortable taking my stand. But, I do know that it irritates me to no end when people use children as a vehicle to promote less noble interests, like bigotry.

7. Jeanne's response
Wed, Sep 15, 1999 - 10:46 PM/EST
dman

For a novice, you're pretty sharp. Well said, lady!

8. What about the children?
Thu, Sep 16, 1999 - 4:03 PM/EST
lori

My mother and father in law asked us that question when they found out that the child we were to adopt was biracial. She was not born yet and all they were interested in was "What if she comes out very dark?" My husband and I were a little upset. When we saw her for the first time she was very light but you can tell that she is mixed. And, I might add, she is absolutely beautiful. A child is a child no matter what color.My in laws are worried about where we will live and what others will think. Who cares what others think!! It seems like they are the ones who have a problem, not us.

9. response to Lori - Part 1
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 10:48 AM/EST
johanna

You're right - your parents-in-law are the ones with the problem, but you and your husband will have protect your daughter from their discomfort.

Your story really resonanted with me. You will see from my bio that I grew up in a white family that adopted a black child many years ago. Though I learned it just recently, my grandparents (both sides) were opposed to my brother's adoption for many of the same reasons your in-laws have raised. The irony of it all is that their objections were centered around the "unfairness" of the adoption to my brother -- they invoked his interests to mask their own bigotry (see Jeanne's comments above). Over the past 25 years, there were no acts of hostility on my grandparents' part, just bland disinterest. I could tell countless stories of subtle bias that innocent kids would never pick up on, but wore hard on my parents who were far more sensitized to racial dynamics. Though my grandparents probably never saw/loved all their grandchildren equally, my parents covered for them so that my brother felt no bitterness toward them and so that my other siblings and I never knew the secret of their bigotry. Because my parents acted as a buffer to my grandparents' bias, it harder on them than it ever was to their kids (this is maybe something for you and your husband to plan to deal with).

10. response to Lori - Part 2
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 10:50 AM/EST
johanna

Furthermore, all families have conflict. With families like yours and mine, any troubles will be viewed through multiple lenses and everyone likes to play amateur sociologist. For example, normal sibling rivalry is quickly judged by others as a by-product of racisim within in the family, the result of adoption, etc. Your daughter will be able to handle this, of course, because we all survived our own childhoods, but just be prepared for the fact that what is "normal" in all families will seem to other people to be a "novelty" in yours.

Here's another thing that you might experience. You will be a curiousity item for many well meaning people. Be prepared for people, even strangers, to "congratualte" you, to praise you for your "bravery" or to say "more people should do what you did." This will likely feel awkward to you, as it always did to me -- we were just a normal family doing what normal families do, but people were reacting to the important social significance of your decision to adopt transracially. I would encourage you not to deny people to opportunity to do this. Your reacation to these inevitable exchanges will be cues to your daughter about how to feel about her family. My mother used to say things like, "thank you, we're very happy" or "we are so fortunate to have Paul (not his real name) in our family." While these conversations are often clumsy and uncomfortable, I found that the vast majority of people were curious and supportive in equal measure.

11. best of both worlds
Mon, Sep 20, 1999 - 5:55 PM/EST
partner

When I went back to college as an adult to get a

degree in education in 1990, I chose Shaw

University, a historically black college in NC. I

spent so much time debating the interracial issue

with angry young men half my age I took a

sociology independent study so I could get credit

for all the research I was doing to defend my

position.

As of 1990 there had been several studies done,

both vertically (following the same children

throughout their lives) and horizontally (studying

several children in different areas who are all in

the same age group). I couldn't find my old

papers for this post, but here's the gist:

On average biracial (black/white) children

raised in stable households tend to be more

emotionally stable than their peers, to have more

diverse friends, be more likely to question

cultural assumptions and be free of prejudice, and

to be generally happier about their lives than

most people. The stable home, especially positive

support from their parents, was the key to the

high self-esteem of these children.