Topic #5. Same race relationships
(Showing 1-10 of 10)

1. Same race relationships
Fri, Sep 17, 1999 - 4:54 PM/EST
bianca

Sometimes when I'm talking to the politically correct and 'progressive', I sense that they view my decision to date Black men exclusively as racist. The main reason for my decision is that I've only been attracted to Black men thus far. Does this make me racist?

2. girlfriend, please
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 1:15 AM/EST
candace

Bianca:

I have read quite a few of your postings and realize that you are more intelligent than the dribble you just left. Come on...being in a same race relationship isn't what makes you racist, but it's your viewpoint on other people's romantic choices(which may stand outside of your own beliefs) which brings into question your prejudices(known or unknown). Love is beautiful...and as a black woman, I feel a very specific thrill at seeing the love between a black man and a black woman because I remember the history behind our people struggle to be free to love each other as man and woman(check out the story between William and Ellen Kraft). But, I would never diminish the love between two people regardless of their differences--due to religion, sexual orientation, ethnicity, age, physical disabilities, etc. Love is a very beautiful and a very trying:) thing. It needs all the support that you and I can give it.

3. I think I asked the wrong question
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 4:19 AM/EST
bianca

Thanks for the sort of compliment, Candace. Granted, my question about if I'm a racist could have been phrased better, but I have already encountered the attitude I am talking about in this discussion group. Doug implied that his children with a Black woman would be better equipped to deal with a multicultural society on the Is Interracial Dating Self-Loathing thread. Better equipped than whom? Children with same race parents, no doubt. At times, I have found that people in interracial relationships project an air of superiority when it comes to diversity and acceptance.

4. for bianca
Sat, Sep 18, 1999 - 1:31 PM/EST
doug

First of all, Amen Candace. Love of any kind is a beautiful thing, and it deserves support.

Bianca, I guess I wasn't specific enough. When I read back over that line, it is sort of open-ended. If you read that line within the context of my message though, i think it is clear that I was stating that my children will be better equipped to handle a multi-racial world than those who expressed the simplistic, angry views I took issue with (namely that bi-racial children should deny their white parents and that most people in interracial relationships are not in it for love).

I'm fairly certain that my children will not have those views. And there are plenty of responsible same-race parents who would not encourage those views either. Hope that clears it up. I'm sorry if you think I am defensive, but I can't let that stop me from giving my opinion.

5. What's up, y'all?
Tue, Sep 21, 1999 - 5:35 PM/EST
bianca

This is a relationship dialogue group, right? Is anyone out there involved with someone of the same race as them? What about you presby? What do you think the greatest challenge is in same race relationships? We may be able to offer some relationship insight to the people in interracial relationships because we don't have to deal with the issue of race in our relationships. How do you think color consciousness amongst Black AND white people affects dating?

I can see how color consciousness has affected my choice of dates. I am more attracted to darker skinned men and I think I have sometimes even associated light skinned guys with being soft and less manly. I don't know if this is from socialization or if it's simply my preference, but it's a definite pattern for me.

I used to date a 'biracial' guy and I got so tired of hearing about his white mother. It broke us up. I couldn't handle it. He talked about the fact that his mother is white CONSTANTLY. I can't say that we had a strong relationship anyway, so we would have broken up later for something else, but I haven't dated anyone who identified himself as 'biracial' since. He was actually one of the only light skinned guys I ever dated. I have, however, dated another Black man with a white mother.

6. same race relationships
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 10:46 AM/EST
helen

Again, Bianca, you asked for comments from people who are in same-race relationships. I'm in a lesbian partnership with a white woman, so I guess we qualify. So far, in reading most of the postings, I'm finding strong parallels between the experiences our children had/have and those that biracial or multiracial children experience, except that no one can tell by looking that our five kids have two mothers. I hope our conversations on relationships can also go beyond issues of race; that's why I asked to join this discussion, rather than one centered on the experiences of the Wilson-Sims family. My partner and I were disowned by our parents, and have very distant relationships with most of our other relatives -- their loss, I say!

7. relationships
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 9:41 PM/EST
presby

I am dating someone, but i do not see it as a long term relationship.I do find that lack of compatibility,time and communication are issues that always seem to be a focus.It is almost impossible to meet people who are share the same interests,goals,ideals,sense of humor,etc as mine.

Time seems to be the another hurdle.It's hard enough balancing work,grad school, and family.There doesn't seem to be much time to devote to nurturing a relationship.

Communication seems to be an issue because of different styles,backgrounds,experiences,and expectations.I find that these two things play off of each other.

I have had to deal with issues of color consciousness. It does seem to be a factor with initial attraction, but if I feel that it is a primary focus,quickly I become disinterested and communicate this to the man.I used to only date

8. relationships cont'd
Wed, Sep 22, 1999 - 9:49 PM/EST
presby

darker men.I was attracted to their beautiful coloring.My grandmother&mother are from the "old school".I'm ashamed to say.I have always dated regardless of complexion,physical build, educational background,financial stability,etc.I just want a black man to love my child and I and to help build a loving, stable home.These days that may seem like a lot to ask for.

9. To Presby and Helen
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 4:06 AM/EST
bianca

You're right. These days that does seem like a lot to ask for, especially with all of the other variables at work. Loving a Black man is hard work, but the rewards are immense. Besides the love I get, I feel like I'm doing my part for us by sticking by the Black man. He has so many detractors and I want no part of that.

My experience has been that once I have decided that I want to be in a long term relationship with a man, testing my relationship with his family is the next deciding factor. The whole relationship thing ultimately leads to family and only the strong survive. If we want to be together (family) then all the pieces have to fit, not that any family is without differences.

My man is my man, no doubt, but I also feel that familial bond and that's really what keeps us together. I didn't feel it at all before we had our daughter and we broke up for a while after she was born. When we got back together and moved to Buffalo to be near his family for childcare, it grew without me even suspecting it. It's so strong now that I don't really know how we managed without it.

Helen, that's deep about your families have treated you, but like I was saying to presby, I think family is what relationships and dating are all about. You and your woman are so much more to each other, especially in the absence of family. I know you have your children, but I think you know what I mean.

How have your children handled your sexuality and the backlash? It's ironic that in this situation, their parents' similarities are the focus.

10. same race relationships
Thu, Sep 23, 1999 - 3:29 PM/EST
helen

Our children are all grown now, but they sure had some problems coming to terms with the fact that their moms are lesbians. The family we have created means everything to us, and now we're having fun coming out as "gay grandmas." When the oldest grandkid was five, she told one of her school playmates that she wanted to marry her. "You can't marry another girl," her friend told her. "Why not?" Nora said. "My grandmas are married!" That story made the rounds of the little town they live in in Maryland, so the next time we went to visit, lots of folks dropped by to borrow things, "Just say Hi!", whatever -- what they really wanted to do was see what we looked like. What a hoot! This summer, another of our children brought along photos of the Pride Parade in San Francisco, where she had marched with her son, who's sixteen months old. She made a sign that said, "I'm a healthy, happy heterosexual raised by two moms," and put a sign on Aidan's stroller that said, "I'm proud of my gay grandmothers." We cried when we looked at the pictures, and thought about what a long way our family has come. It is ironic, isn't it, that the main factor here is our similarity rather than our differences?